Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize