I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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