do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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