No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
