Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
