just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Come see our sink grown plant.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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