why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
