I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
