I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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