Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
