He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
