Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
