she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
