How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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