Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
