Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
