we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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