I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
