life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The uberlube is also flammable
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
