my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
