Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
