WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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