totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And my parents said I crawled through the house
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
