I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
