He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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