His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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