a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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