I want to walk on stilts...naked
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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