you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
