There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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