fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
