If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
