Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize