I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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