Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
