I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
