Define "chronic" masturbator.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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