puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
