Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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