I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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