Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
