Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
