Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize