Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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