we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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