apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
