Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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