i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
