her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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