Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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