Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
