Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
