I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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