He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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