I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize