i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
