Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
